Death By Snu Snu

An Open Letter,

Yup, that's me......Well at least what's left of me. The mating habits of my species are well documented at this point, and everybody knows what happens to the males of my species after copulation. Now I know what everybody is thinking. "WHY!!!!???" or "Control yourself man!" or my personal favorite, "She just isn't worth it." Well I want to know. Who gave you the right to judge?

First, this was my 3rd time. Which may not seem like a lot to you humans, but in mantis land thats forever. (Although forever does become a little relative in my circumstance...) 3 times is like 50 years for you guys, so please don't wag your finger at me.

Also, I have seen the "hoops" that the males of your species jump through to impress your females and make them happy. Talk about painful. Permanently branding your skin with a name or a symbol to show your undying love? Squandering precious resources on a single dinner just to impress? I have even heard that your males have a procedure done to stop the production of offspring. I mean really, isn't the point of this whole thing to propagate? Seems counterintuitive. Stupid humans.(I just know the phrase "snip snip" is often used to describe this "procedure" so I try not to let my imagination run away on me.)

The whole child rearing thing is another obvious example. Who has it easier the guy who is asleep (granted for eternity) or the bozo going to the store at midnight on icy roads to try to find bacon and pickle flavored ice cream? I will never have to sit through that giant red monstrosity called Elmo, or read "Everybody Poops" 893,623 times. (And yes, it still gets smeared on the wall.) None of the, "You don't think I am attractive anymore" and "You won't ever love me again because I am so fat". Woman. You're pregnant, not fat. So I am sure he will love you again when you drop that 10lb. Christmas ham out from between your legs. All that I am saying gentlemen is that death comes in a variety ways.

Which leads me to this. She is worth it. Sure, she may have temper issues. Yes, she has a voracious appetite. (Both sexually and gastronomically) And yes, she is eating me alive as we speak. So, she isn't perfect. Who is? What relationship doesn't need a little tweaking and fine tuning every once in awhile? So, before you point your finger at me, I suggest you look in the mirror and examine your own relationship before you pass judgement on mine. At least I know I have found somebody who loves me for me and will never let go.

Sincerely,

Mr. Mantis

P.S. Seriously, who wouldn't be happy dying while doing what I am doing?

The "Problem" of Pain

I remember moving to Michigan a decade and a half ago and instantly falling in love with the game of hockey. All the kids in my neighborhood played religiously and I knew if I ever wanted to make friends I had to find a pair of skates and a stick.

Now, I was an insecure, chunky 6th grade kid who desperately wanted to make friends. (As opposed to an insecure, slightly less chunky 28 year old who still desperately wants to make friends. I've come a long way.) But learning how to play hockey is HARD. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen flat on my ass in the most embarrassing of ways. Also not helpful to the aforementioned 6th grader. He got made fun of a decent amount for all of his blunders. (Think of "Smalls" from the movie "The Sandlot" but fatter..... and not as smart.) I fell. It hurt.

Learning how to play hockey is quite the endeavor. It requires you to do so many different and disparate things at the same time. Its not always possible to teach or coach the amount of coordination needed to play, so in the end the best way to learn is by doing. The problem with learning by doing is that we fail when we try something new. We fall.

I think life is like hockey. (I know an absolutely brilliant and trenchant insight. I can taste the Pulitzer now.) When we are engaged and living our lives, pain is just unavoidable. We fall. It hurts. Sometimes, badly. I will say it this way, "Life is about getting hurt." We get hurt and then you recover, and then guess what? Odds are pretty damn high you get hurt again. But hopefully, we learn something from it.

For having lived nearly all of my life in the strangling clutches of the monster known as "Suburbatron", I feel like I have seen my fair share of pain in my life, and crap are there a ton of varieties. Its like walking into a Baskin Robbins. (Get it? 31 flavors.)

There is that cold, empty pain of leaving behind the known and stepping into the unknown. (Graduation, new job away from home.) There is the "Tornado Pain" of watching life upend all of my careful and meticulous plans.There are those sharp, stabbing pains that persist when I experience some failures, and their equally evil twin that comes when success doesn't bring me what I hoped. There are also the "Freddy Krueger" pains that come and shred everything I have ever hoped for apart. There is the beautiful pain of finding people I love and who love me and then walking with them and sharing their pain. Empathy.

When I am lucky I even get to experience the searing pain of being in a moment of pure triumph or utter perfection which I know can't possibly last, but will stay with me until the end of time.

You see, I have developed the habit of being down on pain. I want pain to stop. I want to ignore it. I want it to go away. However, in my lamenting I forget a fundamental aspect of pain. Pain lets me know that I am still alive. That I'm not dead. Pain moves me, teaches me, changes me, and reminds me that my heart still beats. Pain is good.

I want to be able embrace pain. I want to remember that pain is good not only in the wake of life's upending moments, but when I am in the throes of those times. I want to be able to trust completely that I am in the loving embrace of God at all times. Even when I hurt the most.

I know that this long winded pontification is incredibly deep, and maybe even changed your life forever. What can I say, I am brilliant. <======(This statement is clearly sarcasm. I know what this post is. Narcissistic claptrap. Like I have any of this figured out.)

Introductions Are Awkward.......

I can't help but wonder who this person is I see staring back at me from the other side of the bathroom mirror. "I can't believe I am actually doing this. I have sunk to a new low. This is unforgivable." is what my running monologue mutters as I follow through on the previously inconceivable. I can't help but wonder if I have waved goodbye to the last shred of my already dilapidated dignity. I swore to myself this wouldn't happen, that I am better than this, and that I have clearly learned from the mistakes of those around me. Evidently not.

I can think of no worse atrocity I have perpetrated in my life. Everything pales in comparison to this. Quit a stable job to devote myself fully to the monetary glory of a pyramid scheme? Not this time. (Hey, don't judge it was a sure thing.) Supported that poor Nigerian prince who was down on his luck? Never again. (Can you blame me? He seemed like a real straight shooter.) Went back to a terribly abusive relationship? Nope, learned my lesson, after going back the 653rd time. (You just don't know her like I do, she really does love me, no officer I got this black eye and broken arm by falling down the stairs.) Compared to all the terrible life decisions I have made, this new one is by far the worst. I have started a blog.

I have spent the entirety of my existence lambasting and ridiculing many things I see around me. Snuggies, the WNBA, the French, people who over-annunciate "foreign" words, scene kids, etc, etc. The list is amazingly and fascinatingly long. People with blogs though, they have always had a special place in my hierarchy of hatred. I always wonder what kind of self-involved, narcissistic, loser really thinks that anybody cares about the daily grind of their boring pedantic life. Well, who has two thumbs and is typing right now? This guy.

So welcome to my worse case scenario. I have actually gotten to the point in my life where I think I actually have something important and relevant enough for other people to read. Egads. I have become everything I loathe in life.

I told you introductions are awkward.