Death By Snu Snu

An Open Letter,

Yup, that's me......Well at least what's left of me. The mating habits of my species are well documented at this point, and everybody knows what happens to the males of my species after copulation. Now I know what everybody is thinking. "WHY!!!!???" or "Control yourself man!" or my personal favorite, "She just isn't worth it." Well I want to know. Who gave you the right to judge?

First, this was my 3rd time. Which may not seem like a lot to you humans, but in mantis land thats forever. (Although forever does become a little relative in my circumstance...) 3 times is like 50 years for you guys, so please don't wag your finger at me.

Also, I have seen the "hoops" that the males of your species jump through to impress your females and make them happy. Talk about painful. Permanently branding your skin with a name or a symbol to show your undying love? Squandering precious resources on a single dinner just to impress? I have even heard that your males have a procedure done to stop the production of offspring. I mean really, isn't the point of this whole thing to propagate? Seems counterintuitive. Stupid humans.(I just know the phrase "snip snip" is often used to describe this "procedure" so I try not to let my imagination run away on me.)

The whole child rearing thing is another obvious example. Who has it easier the guy who is asleep (granted for eternity) or the bozo going to the store at midnight on icy roads to try to find bacon and pickle flavored ice cream? I will never have to sit through that giant red monstrosity called Elmo, or read "Everybody Poops" 893,623 times. (And yes, it still gets smeared on the wall.) None of the, "You don't think I am attractive anymore" and "You won't ever love me again because I am so fat". Woman. You're pregnant, not fat. So I am sure he will love you again when you drop that 10lb. Christmas ham out from between your legs. All that I am saying gentlemen is that death comes in a variety ways.

Which leads me to this. She is worth it. Sure, she may have temper issues. Yes, she has a voracious appetite. (Both sexually and gastronomically) And yes, she is eating me alive as we speak. So, she isn't perfect. Who is? What relationship doesn't need a little tweaking and fine tuning every once in awhile? So, before you point your finger at me, I suggest you look in the mirror and examine your own relationship before you pass judgement on mine. At least I know I have found somebody who loves me for me and will never let go.

Sincerely,

Mr. Mantis

P.S. Seriously, who wouldn't be happy dying while doing what I am doing?